for the past few nights Ive been having this strange feeling.
this feeling of emptiness.
this since of being utterly alone.
well...
its been longer than a few nights its like the norm now a days.
I know everything that is going on isnt necesserally my fault but i know I could have done more to prevent my current situations from accuring.
my stand point in life is currently as follows.
-Im unhappy. Im happy at times but when I feel pure happyness a wrenching pain errupts in my inner soul reminding me that this feeling isnt perminate nothing is. the only things that are certain in life are change and death. I hate the idea of both.
-I cant connect with myself. I can make my mind and body agree on anything. see their was a fight we had. my mind and body. I think my heart had a little to do with that fight as well. yes. most of this started from a boy. it usually does, he was a big part of my life and he left. he lied and he hurt me and he backed away disgracefully. no closure. no string left to grasp to hold on to for dear life from the ties that he disconnected. my mind is upset with my body and wants it to pull through. my body wants to sleep forever, my body is so satisfied with sleeping eating...or for that matter not eating. and just fading away. my physical being wants to peacefully lye down on my soft matress my safe haven and just melt away until it becomes one with the fabric and the springs. my mind is screaming DONT LAY DOWN AND DIE but my body had turned off its ears. never to listen to anything again. my heart is ignoring everything anything else has to say to it, it seeks love in odd places falls in and out of it when its not supposed to in one evening it can meat someone not tell if it likes him or not fall in love with them give its self to him then the next day think hes silly and hours later hate him and never want to speak to him ever again. its like a paying manis? it will in fact if it had the chance to cut the head off and kill its mate. only the flaw in that situation is their are some that are untouchable. ones that we love and wont let ourself love in fear of losing them for good. and at that we can keep this to our selves for so long. we end up losing them any way. never the less I cant get a grip on anything my whole world is crumbling down around me. like a water color painting that has been splashed with a bucket full of water it used to be a pretty picture now its just smears and blures in to the next color. my days blure together. and the last time i had track of my life was around june of 06 funny a year of my life. supposed to be the best one forgotten. lost to loud music and drugs. fast cars and fast sex over due bills x pills and theft.
-oh yes and the bills the bills keep adding up and the jobs well..their are less and less of them these days more applications and no responces. I owe people so much money i cant buy simple things that everyone else would be able to buy easy. like... a coffee. or batteries for my digital.
-then finally the school thing. yes it has become a thing Im not going to pass high school. i know this and it hasnt quite set in. the fact that i cant do anything about it in the least bit. not reallly i've already failed culinary so its pretty much a done deal.

but as for life in general its a waste. im pretty much a waste. Im good for nothing i know this i didnt need elise nicole and andie to tell me this although I respect them for being brutally honest with me. and being a whore. well that just comes natural you know. I figure the more it happens the less i'll feel i'll become numb to the world. not numb is the actual act but the meaning. it will mean less and i wont be as hurt everytime someone walks away from me. i'll be the one hurting them. because if i had a choice to make. to get hurt or to hurt. im so cold that i'll hurt anyone and sleep well at night. I sleep to dream I live to sleep. when my eyes are closed they take me to a world that is all my own. im not hurt im not sad im not even happy but im their. and its more amazing then the world that i exist in . its better than reality.

I can lie.
i say im good i say im fine. eah.
it means
I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MY SELF.
living to let people down is such a drag.
but . manditory

I went to the doctors again today.
I may be going in for surgery after all.
they said it wasnt cancer but they still want to clean out the area.
they want to close up my tube...the idk one you swallow with. yes im dumb and i dont know what that one is called. but. um all i know is that people are gonna be really sad cus this whore will be out of order for some time. pity.
i know.

earlier today before the doctors I had a cup of tea and on the paper thingie for the teabag their are fortunes. or words of wisdome. mine said..."be true to yourself and your heart will guide you to what makes you truely happy" i then cried drinkng my mug full of indian spice chai tea.

I never knew that someone could want me dead so bad as nicole cougline does. I didnt think that I had the power to make someone that upset that angry that unhappy to take time out of their life to write a whole web blog on how they hate me. (if you go to [link] and then click on amys pic or moons pic she is in their top 8... then to her blog called "something i wish i could tell you pt 3") yeah its about me. i cant say that I dont desreve that hatred everything that was said was a magnafied distorted oneside story of the actual picture. to know my side of the story go to [link] and look at my blog called "something i have the fucking balls to tell you" oh and for those of you who read this and are like...hmm why is tim a honey...as in my my space address...its tim mahoney from 311 sharing the same m for both names fist and last...i cant tell you how many times people call me out on that shit.

dose anyone understand chemestry?
because i dont and i have a packet that i have to do to catch up in my classes and i have no fucking clue how to do it. because i wasnt their for the lessons and some prick dosnt want to teach me the basic princaple of it just hands me a bunch of dittos and is like "i trust you can figure it out" only a little less lockheart from harrypotterish.

if you dont get that dont try its a harry potter freak thing

I think the word of the new year ish thing to describe me is naive.
and i fear its true.
I have a lot of growing up to do and not much time to do it in.

"i know that she knows that im not fond of asking
t r u e or f a l s e it may be shes still out to get me"

for now i cover my face in silly make up and pretend but im getting older and pretend is getting harder.

hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens

I miss jesse rose more than alot

and I miss tim just as much

what i wouldnt give to have jeff n tim bring the ps2 to my house and chill for hours sippin chai with jesse
<3 old times amazing people you know who u are.

this summer im thinking of having a party -idk where that fits in with what but we will see

i havent eaten anything since yesterday at lunch with rachel so i think i9m going to grab some grapes and listen to the kooks n go to bed school tomorrow


"fighting for the smallest goal to gain a little self control"
i know its been a while.
ash